Ok, so this shouldn’t come as a surprise to many people when I say that most people who have ‘real’ time to write are either making a living doing so, have some kind of super powers to write before or after their work, are independently wealthy, or, like in my case, unemployed.
I got a degree in Communications, hoping that one day I would be writing speeches for the president. But that dream not only did not happen, but I couldn’t be further away from even being considered a speech writer, anymore. Instead, I have found myself working for others, taking jobs that seem unappreciated and demanding. And this is 100% my fault. I see that now. My self esteem has been based on people liking me and the top quality work I do.
I write and re-write my resume and cover letters to suit the job or gig I’m applying for, and, yes, I do get interests. I do get interviews for jobs that pay less and less than they did even five years ago! Not only is this heart breaking but really humiliating to someone like myself who feels well educated with mad skills to do the job. And, yet I still search.
I look around and see people with less talent, and I’m not judging or comparing, (though it seems like it, but I’m not), and wonder why can’t I get jobs as cool as they do? And what about those who do have mad talents, like a friend of my is an artist, another is a comedian, and again another is a writer or even a life coach…and each loving what they’re doing…but not me. Why?
Its me. Its all on me and I’m literally as far down as I ever saw myself getting at and I want out! I’m unemployed, all my unemployment insurance as been exhausted and now I live off of my mother…and though I will be eternally grateful for her gift, its just unfair to her as it is to me. Sure, its a way to get started, and I’m not the only person going through this and she’s supportive in a passive-aggressive way. I just find myself crowed and restricted. Its her place, she has two small dogs who I love like crazy, yet they take up a lot of my time since I’m the one walking them and making sure they’re healthy, which takes away time for me to either look for those low paying jobs or more importantly have the time and quietness to begin writing.
And, so last night, while I tossed and turned in bed as usual, it finally hit me like a brick…go to the fucking library!! It seems its all I thought about last night and this morning…why in hell did I not think about this before? Its a place away from my mother’s place, even though its a pretty home. Away from the cute and distracting little dogs. Its a place to read and research. A place where I wouldn’t be interrupted and they have FREE WIFE for as long as you’re there! I love going to any of the cybercafes that are around, but I always feel pressured to have to buy something after the first purchase…and I don’t do well being pressured to do anything…unless I’m getting paid for it 🙂
So, today is my first day at the library, the wonderful, quiet library…this is my new time-sharing office where I’m the boss and I dictate when and what I do until I get my next paying gig, which I’m hoping will be soon. Oh library, how wonderful are thee!